In the end
by Portkeys Miss-Mione
Summary: Torment of others spoilers After they found Paula, everything should have been fine, but for Carol it isn’t. She has to cope with her own memories, with Paula’s experiences and Don’s death. Is there some to help, or will she have to manage alone?


Disclaimer: Carol Jordan, Tony Hill, Don, Kevin, Paula, Sam, Brandon and all other things associated with the series belong to Val McDermid and her clan. I own nothing.

A/N: I like writing, which doesn't mean I'm good at it... My native language is Dutch, not English, but I try my best. Feel free to correct me when there are errors in my writing; I haven't got a beta yet.

Spoilers: HUGE THE TORMENT OF OTHERS SPOILERS

Summary: After they found Paula, everything should have been fine, but for Carol it isn't. She has to cope with her own memories, with Paula's experiences and Don's death. Is there some to help, or will she have to manage alone?

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Prologue 

Last Saturday, they had found Paula. Except for some dehydration she was fine. Of course there were the memories, but Paula would manage Carol knew, she had too. They had nailed Jan, Tony was all fine and on top of all that, they had solved the case with Guy Lefevre and Tim Golding. Everything was supposed to be all right, but it wasn't. Don Merrick had got himself killed and Carol felt guilty.

At the funeral Monday morning, she'd almost broken down. Everyone was there, including Paula, and they didn't budge, they just grieved for their colleague and friend. Carol was different. She couldn't help feeling guilty and she was mad it always happened to her. Tony had been there for her, but he wasn't sure he got through to her. She blocked everyone out, him too, but he never gave up.

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Back home, he'd wanted her to come to his place, to talk, so she wouldn't be alone, but she wouldn't hear it. The minute they arrived she'd said a quick 'see you' and left for the back door leading to her part of the house. He'd let her. 

Giving her some time alone would help, he thought. He hadn't counted on the white wine in her refrigerator. She'd poured herself a glass and sat down on her couch with the book she'd got from Jonathan. She didn't know why the heck she read it, it wasn't bad, not at all, but she didn't need it. She supposed it just helped time to pass. Two hours later, the bottle was over half, but she didn't intend on giving up on it. Right then, Tony called. He'd thought she'd have called him by now, or showed up on his doorstep, but she hadn't. He knew she would in time, but he was worried about her. When she'd stalked away from his car, she hadn't been in a state to take care of herself, so now he'd decided to check up on her.

"Jordan..." she picked up the phone absentmindedly. Luckily it had only been half a bottle and she wasn't really affected by it... "It's me," Tony said calmly, not wanting to scare her off, "I just wanted to know if you were fine." "As you hear I am Tony, I'm perfectly fine, no need to worry." she professionally waltzed away from the problem. "It's good to hear that, you were a bit off this morning and I did worry about you." he admitted. "I was just sad about Don Tony, isn't that normal?" "Of course it is Carol, you just normally don't show it like that." "I suppose you're right, but I felt like it, and there's been so much to deal with over the past few weeks, I'm just too tired to care." "I understand, anything I can do for you?" "No Tony, I can manage perfectly on my own. If you would let me now?" There was that finality in her tone that told him he needn't try any further, she was finished talking to him. "Fine Carol, see you in the morning or so." and he hung up before she could say anything else.

It hurt. He really understood why she did it, why she blocked everyone out, why she didn't want to talk about things, but it hurt she didn't trust him either. He'd thought she'd want to talk to him, share the shit, after all they knew eachother quite well by know, they were friends, he thought, and wasn't that what friends did? Talk and share their troubles? Apparently she didn't agree on that, no, cause she didn't want to talk.

It hurt. She hadn't expected it, but being so short to Tony really did hurt. He actually told her he worried about her! He admitted he cared! And then she didn't want his friendship. Or did she? She suspiciously eyed the bottle of wine and reflected on what she'd done. Though she knew very well that talking aided a lot, she'd blocked everyone out. She'd been reading a book she actually was sure of wouldn't help her a speck. She'd drunk too much wine, again, and she'd been rude to her best friend. Now she realised it. If only she had done so a few hours ago... Furiously hoping it wouldn't be to late she got up from the couch. She cleaned away the wine, put away the book and walked over to the door leading to Tony's living room. Standing in front of it, she hesitated. Could she just walk in like that? As if nothing had happened? She decided not, it would be far more appropriate ringing his bell and waiting for him to invite her in. She so hoped he would, she really needed to talk to him. She walked around the house and rang.

It took him a few seconds to get to the door and when he opened it, he didn't look happy. At least not until he saw her. At seeing her, his face visibly cleared up and quickly he ushered her in.

"Carol!" he exclaimed, "finally."

"Tony...," she said looking at the floor, "I'm sorry for what I said on the phone... I shouldn't have buggered you off like that; you hadn't done anything wrong. I also shouldn't have blocked you out like I did. You're my friend and we should have talked about things."

He smiled. She'd realised on her own... without him really pushing it. "It isn't too late I suppose?" he said questioningly, motioning her to sit down and doing so himself. "I suppose not." she came, smiling back at him and taking his offer flopping down next to him in the couch.

"I take it you want to talk?" he said. "Yeah..., I really behaved like a jerk the past two or three days." she admitted. "Yes you did," he said, seeing her wanting to defend herself but continuing quickly, not wanting her to, "but I understand Carol, I really do. You had to led your squad, then there was Paula, me, and of course Don... there has been too much for you to take care of and to worry about, and you never even once complained about it."

She looked at him. The glint in her eyes was back. In front of him was the old Carol, he knew. "That was exactly what I was about to say Tony, you really are a good friend... thanks for understanding." He was about to cut in there, but she didn't let him. "Wait, I'm not done... Last year, in Berlin, that was really horrible. We were good friends back then, but I blocked you out after I was raped. I shouldn't have. I missed you the past year Tony, I really did. Whenever you tried to help me, I rudely turned you down. I hate myself for that Tony, and I hate myself for what happened to Paula, and for what happened to Don, and because I didn't see Jan was the one we were after the whole time; but I know, I know that it isn't my fault, that you've made me see... Last Friday night, when you were at Jan's, I was scared to death something had happened to you when I couldn't reach you. I almost wasn't functioning properly, until Sam solved it... and then when I arrived, I was still scared to death she'd do something to you..." By now tears were brimming in her eyes and she was breathing heavily. He looked dumbfounded after she finished. He'd known it, but he hadn't wanted to believe it... now he knew it was true. Already feeling bad seeing her struggling like that he decided to end it for good... or rather to finally start it. He hugged her tightly, pressing a kiss on top of her head.

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Epilogue 

When he released her, he sent a small smile in her direction, checking if she was all right. The huge one he got in return assured him everything would be fine now.

She was the first to speak. "I love you Tony..." she said out of the blue, still smiling at him. He fell for her all over again... as far as it was possible loving her even more. Person he was he replied, "I know Carol, and I love you too." his face now sporting the same big smile as hers. All the while having inched closer and closer, she now closed the last space between them and their lips met in the softest of kisses. It wasn't the first, and the first had been real too, but this one was real real, this one was forever.

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A/N: Hope you liked it guys... that's what I would have liked to see at the end of the wonderful book. Please review, you'd make me extremely happy with it. Sara. 


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